Who Comes First?: Exploring Codependency in Military Culture

Over the past two weeks, I’ve noticed a recurring theme in my sessions: codependency. Much of my work has centered on psychoeducation around healthy relationships, attachment styles, and boundary setting. As I deepen my own understanding by reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, I’ve been thinking more intentionally about what codependency looks like behaviorally, and how to help the men and women I serve interrupt those patterns.

Working with active duty service members and veterans, I naturally find myself asking: how does military culture reinforce codependent tendencies, and what does that look like during the transition back to civilian life? For many of the individuals I work with, their identity has been shaped by rank, role, and unit. Likewise, coming from complex trauma backgrounds, the military often provided structure and identity where there once was none. So readjustment counseling isn’t just about reintegration into civilian life; it’s about redefining the self.

In session, I often encourage the idea that things don’t have to exist in a binary. There is power in allowing two truths to coexist. You can value being team-oriented without overextending yourself to the point of burnout. You can be loyal and detail-oriented without becoming rigid or perfectionistic. The goal isn’t to abandon these values, but to relate to them differently.

And while psychoeducation is important, I keep coming back to a central question: how do we make it stick? Because if codependent patterns aren’t reinforced by the military directly, they’re often maintained through other relationships where the desire for connection and understanding can leave service members and veterans vulnerable. The military provides a clear identity: rank, role, purpose. When your worth is tied to performance and contribution, it can become difficult to separate who you are from what you do for others.

For readers who may be unfamiliar with the term, I often turn to Melody Beattie’s definition of codependency: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior” (p.34 of Codependent No More: How To Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself). While this definition is often applied to personal relationships, I’ve found myself reflecting on how closely it can mirror what is required to function effectively within military culture. 

From the earliest stages of training, service members are conditioned to put the mission first, often at the expense of personal needs. In high-stakes environments, whether as a leader or alongside a battle buddy, there is a constant responsibility to monitor the well-being and mental state of others. Emotional suppression becomes necessary to stay mission-ready. Over time, these patterns shape how one gives and receives care and self-sacrifice begins to feel like the only acceptable way to love or be loved.

What I’m observing in my clinical work is how this sense of responsibility, combined with emotional suppression, can translate into imbalanced relationships. One partner may over-function, constantly anticipating, managing, and giving, while the other becomes more distant or disengaged. What once served as a strength in the military can quietly become a barrier to mutual, reciprocal connection.

So, where do we go from here? The honest answer is: I’m still exploring that alongside the people I serve. I don’t have a definitive set of strategies to offer just yet, because the work of unlearning and reconstructing the self is deeply personal and ongoing. What I do feel confident about, however, is that growth is happening. It shows up in small but meaningful shifts, the ability to identify and express one’s own needs, to practice setting boundaries without guilt, and to begin redefining relationships in ways that allow for both connection and self-preservation. And perhaps that’s the point, not a perfect roadmap, but a willingness to move toward something more balanced, more intentional, and ultimately, more whole.